Some things that might be helpful to think about
One And Done…( or Touch it Once…or Final Destination….you get to choose what works for you…) 04/06/2
A recurring theme in therapy can be a feeling of overwhelm. And for many that comes from a sense of having too much to do in not enough time.
My sense is that this is not helped by the seemingly endless articles, tiktoks and Instagram posts about how ordered everyone else’s lives and homes are. Comparisons are never helpful, particularly when there is the small matter of internet content being no reflection of real life.
Whilst I am not a life coach, nor an expert in time and motion studies, there is a simple strategy that I discuss with clients that can help create a sense of empowerment and order. Ultimately this decreases the feeling of being overtaken and overwhelmed by stuff, tasks and an endless to-do list. This in turn lowers anxiety and depression.
So – I employ the ONE AND DONE methodology to life where possible. Simply put this means I only deal with things once.
For example, if I make a cup of tea the teabag goes straight in the bin, it doesn’t go in the sink, or into a small dish on the work top where it will sit with all its festering teabag friends until I find the time to deal with it.
When I come in with a bag of shopping I put it away immediately and return the bag to the car.
If I pick something up then I only put it down in its final location, I don’t put it down somewhere else where it doesn’t live – that’s just moving the task from one place to another, not finishing it and therefore not releasing myself from it.
Its about committing yourself to the thing or the task and where possible minimising the number of times you have to engage with it. In this way you can stop spending precious time and mental energy moving things around from one place to another without ever getting to the end of a task.
For example: A load of laundry is folded, allocated and put away (3 points of engagement) – it doesn’t sit in a pile on the kitchen table, then the stairs, then the bed, then the floor, then the laundry basket again because I can’t remember if its clean or dirty (6 points of engagement).
You can literally halve the amount of time you spend dealing with something simply by completing it immediately – One and Done, Touch it Once, whatever you call your particular version of the system, it can make a huge difference.
Now clearly this is not going to be possible or practicable in all instances. But if for the most part when you choose to pick something up (physical or mentally) you deal with it immediately, it can provide you with another few free minutes, and those minutes add up – and so does the mental space and clarity.
This has been a useful way for me to cut down on the number of times I lose things, misplace things, forget to answer an email or pay an invoice. It also means I reduce the feeling of overwhelm because I just deal with things once.
Make every action meaningful and intentional – and enjoy the extra space.
Grieving for Pets 02/02/24
“But it’s just a dog”…
I can remember vividly being told that my overwhelming grief and sadness following the death of our beloved family dog was not justified. I’m not sure if the person who tried so hard to minimise my emotions was trying to help me get my loss into perspective, or if they genuinely didn’t understand how a pet can affect our lives and thought I was being ridiculous. Either way, it was unhelpful.
Sharing our lives with another living creature, human or otherwise requires building a relationship. And building a relationship requires time, patience, investment of self, trust, respect and above all – love. It would be almost impossible to have built a relationship, sometimes over a period of many years and not feel the pain when it is no longer there. But somehow the loss we feel when a pet dies doesn’t seem to be sufficiently “serious” and we can worry that we will be dismissed and worse still, ridiculed for feeling our loss so keenly. For many people though, the companionship of a pet can be one of the most grounding and stable parts of their lives. In an increasingly turbulent and worrying world being able to enjoy the love of a companion who is unquestioningly present is an essential part of their lives.
The benefits of owning a pet are many – and it is common that a pet becomes a friend, confidante and provides the owner with the unconditional love that they sometimes lack in their human relationships. But relationships with pets are not the same as human relationships, and this is never more apparent when, as a pet owner you have the terrible responsibility for deciding when to end the life of your best friend. And it is a terrible responsibility – because we are ultimately bringing to an end the life of a creature who has given us so much. With that comes guilt, shame, anger, resentment and helplessness. And this makes our grief even more complex. I had this discussion with a friend who is a vet, and his sage words were “better a week too early than a day too late” – and for me this sums up the compassion that accompanies this most agonising of decisions. We owe our pets so much – especially when ending their suffering brings about our own.
Being able to talk about your loss is important. Very often when we experience a bereavement it can reignite the feelings from previous losses, making things seem very bleak. If you need to seek the help of a therapist then do. You will be able to talk about your feelings in a space that is non-judgmental and can help you through the grieving process.
It is important to allow yourself to grieve, to cry, to remember your lost friend in a way that is meaningful to you. Never mind if others don’t understand – how can they? They didn’t have the same relationship with your pet as you did. However you feel, allow yourself to feel. And if there comes a time when you feel you are able to open your heart and home to another furry or feathered friend, then greet them with joy. They will not replace your lost pet but they, and you can build a new life that could be wonderful for you both.
After all – its never “just a dog”…
Ending – Its just the start… 21/01/23
Right, so you’ve taken the brave step to find a therapist – entered into a therapeutic relationship and undertaken the process of developing self awareness and understanding.
Just as beginning therapy can seem like a daunting prospect – so can the idea of bringing it to a close. Ending a therapeutic relationship can be particularly hard, because for many clients it has been the safe space in which to explore their most difficult emotions – to think the unthinkable and say the unsayable. To be accepted unconditionally for who and what they are – to grow and accept themselves. Those who commit to regular therapy will inevitably wonder how to fill the gap in their diaries and their lives. And of course there are those deeper questions of our psychological selves:
“Will my therapist miss me?”
“Will they ever think about me?”
“Are they glad this is over?”
So endings throw up a myriad of different thoughts and feelings. Ending is not a simple process.
For this reason it is important to plan and prepare for the end of therapy. It is important that the work done in therapy is consolidated, and clients are able to recognise the people and things that make them feel better, and worse.
But the most important thing to remember is that your journey with your therapist is just the start of a much greater experience of self awareness, growth and empowerment. You can’t unknow what you know – and you have all the tools and knowledge to enable you to make the best choices. And even when you sometimes make the least helpful choice, or slip back into old ways of being, there will be a prickle in your conscious mind that will alert you. Whether you choose to pay heed to the prickle or ignore it and carry on regardless is up to you – but that’s the point, it’s a choice.
Bringing unconscious process into the conscious and being able to identify it and possibly intervene on it is a skill that needs practice and development. Once we embark and commit to the journey of self awareness we never really stop. We continue to grow and develop, understand more about ourselves and our part in the relationships we have, the goals we aspire to and the desires we suppress.
Therapy does not provide all the answers – but what it can do is provide a safe environment to help you start to find them for yourself. And once you know that it is OK to feel what you feel and question, challenge and change your old ways of being – then your journey of self knowledge and growth continues.
So therapy in and of itself is not it. Its not the answer or the end. It is just the start of an amazing ongoing journey. Ending therapy is the start of something new, a chance to use the knowledge you have learned in the therapeutic relationship and use it as a springboard.
The end of therapy isn’t the end – its really just the beginning…
The Power of Permission 18/11/19
It seems that the list of things we need to get done is never ending, and the call on our time and resources is relentless.
There seems to be an expectation that we are constantly on call, ready to accept the next request or demand - and whether those demands come from family, friends or work - in these increasingly uncertain times there is a belief that if we don't meet every deadline or answer every call then we are falling behind or failing in some way.
Now, this is not a piece extolling the virtues and benefits of self care (although I wholeheartedly support a robust approach to looking after yourself) - this is about taking a slightly different approach to the inevitable tasks we HAVE to undertake, and how we can give ourselves permission to actively choose to change the way we think about these things.
To start this exercise, first we must identify the vocabulary we use. Very often if we have the day stretching out ahead of us and with it a long list of things to get done and achieved we will use GOT TO, MUST, SHOULD, OUGHT...
* I've got to finish my presentation for work
* I must go food shopping
* I should go to the gym
* I ought to phone my Mum
All of that vocabulary brings about associated guilt and shame - its a requirement that we may or may not feel like undertaking. And along with every got to, should and must, if we don't get any or all of those things done, we inevitably feel that we have failed.
So - how about this....how about you replace each got to, should, must and ought with....
I GET TO....
How expansive does life become when we give ourselves permission to enjoy the mundane? To find the benefit in the smallest of jobs and appreciate how wonderful the details are....
* I get to complete a presentation about something I believe in for a job that I get paid to do
* I get to go food shopping to choose the things I will cook and eat to nourish myself and my family
* I get to go to the gym and strengthen my body and take time for myself
* I get to phone my Mum and appreciate the fact that she is alive and in my life
I have written before about Little Golden Bubbles and how noticing and appreciating the small things in life can make a difference - this is similar. But giving yourself permission to consciously acknowledge the freedoms, relationships and opportunities you have every day turns the mundane into the precious.
I am not suggesting that we ignore difficult feelings and suppress painful emotion - but when we are able to give ourselves permission to acknowledge the potential for positivity it can provide a useful balance to the stress and pressure of our everyday lives. You have endless opportunity to acknowledge the good stuff - let yourself.
Therapy – A place for the courageous 01/01/19
Over the years as a therapist one of the most pervasive myths that many clients bring to their first session is that somehow they have failed. By admitting that they need support they believe that they are weak, unable to cope and therapy is the last stop before finally giving it all up and admitting defeat.
However – and this is a big one – therapy is hard.
The very act of being strong enough to put your hand up and ask for help takes huge courage. Then there is the nerve-jangling process of selecting a therapist and arranging an assessment appointment. All this to be endured before you have even taken the brave step of knocking on a stranger’s door, sitting in their chair and telling them some of the darkest secrets that perhaps no one has been witness to before.
Being in therapy requires the client to be prepared to look at their own part in things, to be open to the therapist offering a hypothesis even an appropriate challenge. And of course, the scariest part of all – entering into a therapeutic relationship and being prepared to expose those carefully concealed parts that we would prefer no one saw.
The most wonderful part of therapy for me is the development of that relationship. It is like no other because this is the one place where if you are brave enough to embrace it, you will find acceptance, compassion, honesty and unbiased focus.
Your therapist has no axe to grind, no ulterior motive and no agenda other than your empowerment, enrichment and wellness.
So I am full of admiration for anyone who comes into therapy. It is an act of courage that demonstrates a willingness to try and make sense of chaos, heal the pain of the past and move forward hopefully and with better understanding and acceptance.
Therapy may be for the courageous but the rewards are many and can be life changing. So for anyone thinking that asking for help is weak, or that by seeking therapy you have failed – I would encourage you to pick up the phone. Make this a New Year to remember. BE BRAVE!
Prepare for S.A.Dness 29/10/18
For all my exuberance and unbridled enthusiasm for Autumn being the trumpeting herald for the Winter – I am aware that there are plenty of others who do not share my sense of cold weather wonder.
Indeed it is no coincidence that Mental Health Services see an increase in referral rates as daylight hours shorten. For many the prospect of seemingly endless winter brings a darkness to their very core. Going to work in the dark, coming homing in the dark and finding little opportunity for some respite from the relentless gloom can bring about low mood, a lack of motivation, increased anxiety and depression.
There has been an increasing amount written about Seasonal Affective Disorder and with our growing knowledge and awareness so we are able to take steps to counter and prepare for the seemingly inevitable mental discomfort that comes about.
I have seen at first hand the benefit of a light box. This high wattage lamp was put on for 15-20 minutes whilst breakfast was prepared, coffee drunk and plans for the day checked. This provided a sufficient boost in melatonin and serotonin to take the edge off the gloom.
Further studies have shown that taking Vitamin D supplements and endeavouring to get outside as much as is practicable all helps. Eating well, maintaining regular exercise and keeping a check on alcohol intake are also important.
So whilst there are those of us who welcome the opportunity to light our homes with candles and mess about with combinations of root veg in soups – for others it can be a period of very real distress. Coupled with the ludicrous expectations of the impending festive season it can be a bleak time.
If you or someone you know suffers from SAD – start to prepare NOW. Get your light box on order, buy your supplements and check out these websites for more excellent advice and support.
www.nhs.uk/conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder-sad
www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/seasonal-affective-disorder-sad
Please check with your GP before taking supplements or starting any course of treatment.
Autumn Term – New Beginnings 01/09/18
I love John Keats. He nailed romantic poetry for me in the way that no one else quite does. And his oft quoted Ode to Autumn (actually, too oft quoted which is a shame because now it’s a bit of a cliché) encompasses everything that I feel about the most magical of seasons.
For some it’s the New Year that marks the start of resolutions, promises for change and a sense of keen anticipation. Not for me. For me it is and has always been the Autumn. After a long (and this year, very hot) summer, there is an excitement about a new beginning, a new start, a chance to do things differently with renewed vigour. With the cooler weather comes the opportunity of fresher weather and a fresh start.
Undoubtedly this harks back to school holidays coming to an end and the joy of new pencils, shiny shoes and uniform that is eversoslightly too big (but you’ll grow into it so it’s fine). But its not just the allure of a shiny ink pen and cartridges full of unwritten promise. There is something deeper, something about being a better version of myself when the hedonistic heat of summer is done.
And that is why I welcome the turning of the leaves and herald the autumn with an enthusiasm that I don’t feel for any other season. For me it feels transitional, full of promise and excitement. Because in the Autumn I prepare. I have the resolve to be more organised, to manage my time more effectively and to get ready for the long dark months ahead. And perhaps this is why Autumn holds such a special place for me – its my chance to do something different this year. Rather than bemoan the shorter days and the inevitable challenges of enforced jollity over the festive season in the coming months – this is the time to re-stock the logs in preparation for the winter, put the garden to sleep, change the beds and add an extra blanket folded at the bottom, consign my flipflops to the back of the cupboard and welcome back my boots. I welcome back the cold weather me – the me that takes long walks in the golden sunshine, the me that sits with the dog by the fire, the me that decides that this year I will endeavour to be a little bit kinder, a little bit calmer and little bit more like the me I want to be.
I won’t always be successful – experience has taught me that much. But that’s the joy of transformation, it is an on going process. The point is – there is always a chance to do things differently and improve on what went before.
So I embrace the Autumn like a childhood friend. A friend that I know well and one that brings endless possibilities with them, and one with whom I am happy to share my newly sharpened pencil…
Little Golden Bubbles 29/07/18
In an increasingly busy and stressful world it seems that one of the things it is most difficult to do is stay present. It is all too easy to stay locked in the past - to relive relationships that left us broken and lonely - or re-imagine conversations that rendered us mute and helpless (generally accompanied by a generous helping of self loathing and frustration as we think of all the things we should have said or done) - or re-experience traumatic events that coloured our view of the work and the people we have in our lives.
This living in the past is not the kind of warm rose tinted reminiscing that provides us with a soft glow of warm memories. Rather, it is full of regret, anger and loss. It leaves us with a sense of painful weight that burdens us.
Alternatively we can spend our time projecting forward into the future. And when we do it is rarely with a sense of positivity and keen anticipation. More often than not our future is worrisome, anxiety provoking and sad - littered with failed attempt at life or love. Relationships will fail, jobs will be lost, loved ones will leave, diets and promises will be broken. Basically whatever your own particular vulnerability is, it will be exposed and come to pass in the imaginary future we create for ourselves in our own minds.
Now the issue with expending so much physical and mental energy on a past that you cannot change or a future that you cannot predict is that it is wasted. How much time do you spend either living in the past or projecting forward? And all the while you stay stuck either in the past or the future or vacillate between the two, you miss out on the only thing that you actually have - THE PRESENT.
It's a tall order to only live in the here and now, but it can be an effective way of getting back in touch with what is really going on in your world and taking back some control when all seems chaotic and difficult to handle.
Very often I will talk to clients about noticing and acknowledging the details of the present - bringing them back to the here and now. I call these moments Little Golden Bubbles, because just like the iridescent bubbles that a child blows in the garden, these moments are with us and then gone before we know it. So we need to be fully conscious and present so that we may acknowledge and fully appreciate them.
It could be the smell of freshly cut grass, the first sip of cup of coffee, the sound of children laughing, the touch of your lover's hand in yours, the feeling of getting into a clean bed - all these tiny fragments make up our lives and they are GLORIOUS! These are the moments to be celebrated. These are all we have, in the now, this is what we are.
So when things feel bleak or overwhelming - just for a few moments in the the day - pay attention. Be present. Be grateful for these Little Golden Bubbles. They will not last long but they are all around us, all the time. We just need to see them.